Just a Start

 I have started a post like this several times. I've contemplated my entrance back into social media and if I should or if I should not for over a year. What would I write about? How invested do I want to be? Good question. I still don't know the answer. But for some reason I keep coming back to writing here. 

So who am I? 

My name is Em. I used to put myself out there. I did public events, was active in church service, held leadership positions. I used to sing, dance, and make all sorts of music. But over the past ten years I've left that all behind. I used to crave acceptance but never felt like I belonged. In my darkest of days I found some amazing counselors and started--key word started-- a journey of whole heartedness of embracing myself and owning my story. I let go of who I felt everyone wanted me to be and quite literally was stripped to the bare bones. In the mist of that God helped me create a safe haven where I could heal. A home where I could belong.  

And by now I'm starting to sound like a hermit--and it's about to get worse. Remember that key word "started"? Well if there's a place to start before the beginning when it comes to wholehearted, that's were I was at. 

Proof I'm not a complete hermit...I do socialize out doors occasionally. Ok, I socialize out doors a lot with my children and occasionally others. 

 I wasn't willing to serve outside of my work. I wasn't involved in church callings. At the lowest I wondered if God was even good. I saw some pretty crummy things. So I turned to God in my anger, and the only reply I received was that He loved me, He loves all His children, and He has a plan for each one of us. In all my ugly and my anger He still stood by. Like a loving Father waiting for His very loved and cared for toddler to stop throwing their tantrum. Then He took me in His arms and has cradled me in my suffering, battled my demons, and nursed my wounds. 

So for a while, or a couple years, possibly closer to a decade, I haven't shared much with anybody. I'm totally content being the toddler cradled in Gods arms. But he didn't create His children to be like toddlers forever--"Hey Em, your an adult woman now." So here's me heed to the prompting to step back into the arena. To share what I love, possibly rediscover what I used to love. Maybe to share some pearls Gods given me but have been holding too close out of fear of them being trampled under foot. But if God wants to hold a space for me then maybe I'll share. And if you find value in my pearls maybe you'll keep reading or follow along.

With all that...No I will not be leaving my home for this. My home has become my castle--It's only 1200 sq ft so quite spacious. It's my season to be home, chase little boys, cook nourishing meals, and create a culture in my family of love, acceptance, and belonging. Protected by boundaries and lined with forgiveness and grace. It's also my to maybe step out of my hermit cave--que the excruciating vulnerability. 

And now you know my house is tiny... You see why we socialize outdoors.

So if you want to tag along for this journey please stick around. I'm going to try and be vulnerable and share in a way I haven't in a long time. I'll probably share some cooking, homeschooling, homemaking things, rabbit holes I fall down about nutrition and food--food is my safe space so if your here a small part of you needs to be here for the food too. Maybe I'll find my humor again. Maybe I'll share a COVID story or two. Maybe I'll share some stories of healing and finding love. Most of all I'll share about God, he's my reason and my why. So I can't leave Him out, even if I tried.